Like a midnight dream, memories of the past always flash back on some day after being busy, recalling the feelings I once struggled with repeatedly.
I don't like seeing a therapist, not that I haven't tried. Every time follows a fixed routine: meet, ask what's happened recently, say you've had a hard time, understand you, etc., and then the hour is up. Apart from completely laying out the past that makes me cry when I talk about it to a stranger, I haven't received the slightest bit of help. Understanding doesn't help me get through tough times; instead, it makes me feel insecure because I've exposed myself.
The things I'm willing to tell a counselor in detail are the ones I'm constantly overthinking, while the truly painful things have lost the desire to be spoken about. I just pray not to remember them again, not to let them affect my life. Pain is just pain; there's no meaning in talking about it as if it were something else. I don't want to tell painful stories I've already moved past to new people either. Bringing them up only leads to "since I've moved on, I just don't want to talk about it," only to "long and tedious" stories.
It's just that I still, at certain moments on certain days, recall those past feelings again, unstoppably. I'll dream repeatedly about a certain type of thing for a period, wake up feeling awful for a long time yet helpless. I'll be rushing homework in the early hours, suddenly remember, and then delay going to sleep.
I'm also constantly growing, learning to chat with different people, learning to obtain information purposefully, learning to maintain a relationship through initiative. What empathy is there, really.
Today is very warm, a sign of spring arriving in Weihai. The spring light is just right; walking on the road playing my favorite bgm, I can't help but think, I should cherish and enjoy this youthful time, right? Even if it's filled with painful growth, it's still an indelible memory.
Today is the third sports meet training. My long-slacking body is already unaccustomed to long-distance running; my heart and lungs were exhausted just during warm-up. Two 200m runs were 41.02s and 42.92s respectively; wsp replied, "Good foundation." I originally didn't plan to participate in the sports meet this year, so why did I start training? I just feel like I'm not good at refusing others, and I've really had a sense of achievement and happiness here. But this place is also full of difficult interpersonal moments. In my three undergraduate years, all the extracurricular activities I've been involved in have been like this, all interwoven with joy and pain.